man this place has gone to hell in a hand bag, this place is deader than the leafs chances at the stanley cup, I've only been gone a week..... this is what I've done so far....

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something       wrong  with you.  This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

 Dear Diary,

For my 50th birthday this year, my wife(the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.  Although I am still in great shape since I clean carpets and played on a football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

 Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old 
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the 
machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.  Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already 
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is 
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy 
iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

 WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying 
 on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient      with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning 
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.  My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so 
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vmpire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full 
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbells
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human        being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.   If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or 
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine 
in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of 
the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

nightrider aka whose got my balls in their purse

that's hilarious nightrider!!!

glad to see you back in one piece.

no one tells it like it is like the NIGHTRIDER!!

I got to tell you I have never laughed so loud and long at work before. Everybody wants to know what is wrong with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~

Thank you for making my DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you mean is that true!!!

That's true about 90% of men over the age 45